And so, I had time to do a lot of thinking. A lot. I don't want this post to be about S.F.--he has made it clear to me that I should not be writing about him. And I totally respect that. So, I'm trying to make this about me and yet, it is our marriage that seems to be breaking up. I don't know how things are going to be sometime this summer, when the boys and I are planning to be in N.C. and S.F. will be taking care of the Gingerbread House. I really don't know what will happen. I do know that I am pondering a lot these days, and I have been ever since I left North Carolina in January. I know that no matter how much I am tempted to blame things on somebody else, the truth is that I have gotten myself into a second marriage that isn't working out and frankly, I would like to figure out what has gotten me here. And I'd like to do something so that I won't get myself into an unhappy marriage again. What may indeed happen is that SF and I remain married but separated, the undivorce situation that I've written about previously. Or, it could be that we get a legal divorce. Or we could reconcile. I'm open to all possibilities. Promising myself that I will never get married again will certainly end any future marriage dissolutions. So, in that way, I could easily solve the problem of any future post-divorce-divorce divorces. What I mean by that is that I don't have to worry about a third divorce if I never have a third marriage. And part of me is really okay with that. I wonder how much of the perfect wedding fantasy played a part in both of my marriages. I always wanted a perfect wedding and now, I've had two of them. Perhaps that's a plenty. Perhaps not. What I am concerned about, however, are intimate romantic relationships and their place in my life.
I am back on Facebook (FB) and just tonight, I saw that Rusty Harmon has gotten married. I worked with Rusty at WKNC-FM, when he did his "Rude Awakening" show, from 6-9 a.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; I was doing "Trish Midnite's Request Rock" from 9 p.m.-Midnight every Friday night. Rusty went on to manage Hootie and the Blowfish, ending up in Columbia, SC for a while. Then, when Ten was just an infant, I saw Rusty and his then-wife and his own infant daughter at Playspace in Raleigh. That daughter and her sister have grown in the past decade, according to Facebook pictures, into beautiful young ladies and my firstborn son and his then-unborn brothers have grown into handsome young gentlemen. I honestly don't know who was more surprised when we both ended up in the infant area of Playspace Children's Museum (the old one in the brick building, for those in the know) together. Turns out that Rusty and I were born just days apart (found that out on FB) and he grew up and went to high school at the same place where my Little Redskins cheerleading squad went to one sunny fall afternoon when I was in sixth grade. I don't remember if the Little Redskins won or lost, but we were there around sunset and it was very beautiful. Yes, Rusty grew up just that close to me. But we didn't meet until we were both working at WKNC-FM. And did he kinda sorta ask me out once when I had broken up with my boyfriend for a few weeks (we got back together when I needed him to change the oil in Babe, my brown Datsun)?!? Well, maybe. Or maybe that was just a hallucination. Whatever the case, Rusty and I were shocked--clearly shocked--to see each other with babies at Playspace. The last time we had seen each other, he was probably carrying his snake (yes, I remember that he had a pet snake), and I was probably drinking way too much liquor or something. Now, he's gone and gotten a divorce or something and remarried. And here I'm contemplating exactly why people do that kind of thing. What happened with wife #1? I want to know. I love to know stuff like that when it's none of my business. Rusty was teaching for a while, I think, and he'd just moved back to Raleigh when I saw him at Playspace. He and his new wife seem to live in Nashville now. She looks very happy in the FB pictures and so does he. I hope they are very happy together for the rest of their lives.
Meanwhile, I contemplate my own marriage, which is much more difficult than asking nosy questions of other people. I'm not at all sure how I've gotten to where I've gotten, but I think it can only help for me to try and figure out that kind of thing. I'm finding that lots and lots of people around my age are getting out of marriages and I'm not exactly sure why. My guess is that we have been conditioned to have more and to want more and that if everything isn't perfect, it's easy for us to give up. On the other hand, what should a marriage include? How often can anyone hope to find a partner that will provide sexual, emotional, and financial support for the rest of each other's lives? That's a pretty tall effin' order, isn't it?!?